Sheepish Wolves

I didn't plan to blog today, but i suddenly had quite a few thoughts in my head which naturally just arranged themselves in my head into a blog post. So here I am, blogging under the pretext of doing GPP. Which I tell myself that I will get around to later.

I just talked to Mu Tang about drum lessons coz I was interested but yet very wary of committing to, because I don't wanna be a quitter. And the evidence of history says I am. CCA, etc., etc.. Which led to me thinking about how my CCA got to be so screwed. Along with the recent crappy results, an emo epiphany suddenly occurred.

Anyway, the thoughts in my head are mainly just about feeling sorry for myself. It's the SYF season, and CCAs are doing well/sucking/whatever, but the point is that they're achieving something. They put in blood, sweat and tears and now they're getting that kind of satisfaction back. The sort I rarely get a taste of.

Because, I've never really worked hard for anything, I don't really get anything back. And looking at my current situation, it's really sad. My CCA's a dead end and my studies are shrivelling up in the dust. I have even lost that thrill that I get after exams coz that feeling is a sort of relief that I can stop mugging now. But I never mugged in the first place.There's no shift in lifestyle. I'll just continue slacking my ass off, like before the exams. No contrast, no effort, no results.

To my horror, as I type this, my parents' advice are becoming logical now. "It's a slippery slope," Dad says. And I guess it is. Coz now that I'm in a (let's face it) pretty crappy class, sucking at a test doesn't feel that...dishonorable coz 50% percent of my friends are doing even worse. I hear the gnashing of a vicious cycle.

I guess this just shows how much my attitude sucks. I'm aware of all my shortcomings, but I don't give enough of a damn to do anything about it. I don't think it's an issue of motivation/ambition. I'm sceptical that overachievers are haunted by a good future as they mugged their Physics late into the night. I think it's more of a personal thing. That rush to the head when they see that really sick report card. Or maybe it's the glory.

And CCA... I'm so sickened by it I don't even wanna talk about it. Not sickened of the CCA itself, but sickened of what a horrible failure I am. Every time someone makes a ponning joke, I add in another line and laugh it off. But sometimes I feel that it's ridiculous that I've achieved a grand total of 0 things in my CCA career.

All I want is to be able to hold my head high at graduation. And to go through life proud of how I'm living.

Is this too overdramatic?

Am I'm playing the tragic hero?

Am I talking bullshit?

Did I bare too much of my thoughts?

I only rely on a few trusted ones for an accurate judgement of who I am, and I don't know how to perceive myself.